February 02, 2006

Nor Moon By Night

So I've been thinking a lot lately about femininity and the (many) vicissitudes thereof. It's hard to give voice to these thoughts, because I keep them so close to my heart and almost never even acknowledge them, really, and I know they won't get taken very well.

Whether it's cultural, social, or natural, so much of femininity is bound up with physical beauty. And physical beauty is complicated. For one thing, it's difficult to come by. For another thing, there's an aspect of physical feminity that's simply unsafe. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, this tension between wanting to be beautiful and being afraid of what misfortunes beauty might bring me---the crimes that are endemic to being attractive.

I've touched on this before, I think, this issue of safety. And I've decided something awful. I've decided I can't trust God for safety. It's not that I'm choosing not to trust Him; it's that my heart simply won't allow it---there's always a "what if" in the back of my mind. It would be too painful for that trust to fall apart, if it ever fell apart. Half faith is better than lost faith. Right? It would be better not to expect safety from God than to expect it and not get it.

Man, I'm even depressing myself at this point. I'll post more on this later, I'm sure---it's kind my entire life. Here's something funny, though: I got this string of pearls around Christmastime---my mom bought it for me to go with this particular sweater. And so I wore the pearls yesterday, and it set me to craving feeling feminine. I find myself daydreaming about buying more jewelry, and red, red lipstick and black eyeliner, like a 50s pin-up girl. Bizarre, I know. It's nice to know that the fun things about femininity have not been entirely erased by my fear...

In conclusion, Psalm 121...

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;

the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Posted by jessica at February 2, 2006 10:51 PM