March 20, 2005

The Most Beautiful Dude

I thought I was handling everything great. It didn't take me long to thank God that I didn't get the job I wanted --- I'm sure it's for the best. But after a month of general aimlessness, depression is setting in like gangrene. And once again I'm horrified by how much a person's experience of God is affected by things like depression.

It's scary, how much nothing I feel. What if I wake up tomorrow and I just don't believe anymore? I read this article by a guy who went through a "Christian phase" in high school, and his faith just evaporated one day. What was interesting to me was that he said the problem was that he still loved Jesus, even today. He referred to Him as "The most beautiful dude." And I can't help but agree.

Today is Palm Sunday. I love Lent. I truly, truly do. It refocuses my attention on the Beautiful Dude --- as the aforementioned author put it, "Look at what he said." I guess I would add, look at what He did.

Which doesn't solve all my problems right this second. But I guess it does, in a way, because focusing on someone so unequivocally beautiful changes my situation just a tiny bit: Part of Jesus' beauty is His accessibility for the needy.

Which I so clearly am.

March 08, 2005

Life is so weird.

I've been kind of adrift for a month now, career-wise. I've got a really good gig at a book packager, but that's technically only temporary. And I'm just very deeply stressed about it --- I'm ready to know what my year is going to look like. I'm just wanting almost everything in my life to change.

But what's funny is that in the midst of that, there's this sort of bliss in everything I'm doing. I'm loving the work (watch for Soul Matters to hit store shelves in June!) and babysitting my cousins and going to my voice lessons and taking care of my newly-acquired Pomeranians. It's just that it seems strange to be content --- at the exact same time as being discontent.

So maybe I should keep asking God for "things" --- but be a little more grateful for the good things I have today.

09:48 PM

March 06, 2005


So...I didn't get it. The job I wanted, I mean. It's kind of back to the drawing board. I might be able to make the temp work I've been doing into something permanent, but we'll see. I've decided that my dream job is to just write, but it looks like I may have to suck it up and get a "real" job sometime rather soon. My temp work is getting close to done--we're almost finished with the book project we're working on.

And of course now I'm praying like crazy, and wondering if what I'm doing even counts as praying, since I only decided to occupy myself with seeking God once I figured out that I didn't really have a lot of other options. God, I need help.

I've decided to pick up Abba's Child by Brennan Manning again--as soon as I find it, of course. I think I need to read something that will direct me back to what it means to live with God, because I'm not doing such a great job.

On a brighter note, I bought shoes today. And I have a "clinic" next week--a performance-type thing with my voice teacher. I'm singing "Those Sweet Words" by Norah Jones. Should be interesting.

04:48 PM

March 04, 2005


Batter my heart, three person'd God; for You
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new.
I, like an usurped town, to another due,
Labour to admit You, but Oh, to no end,
Reason your viceroy in me, me should defend,
But is captiv'd, and proves weak or untrue,
Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,
But am betrothed unto your enemy:
Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,
Take me to You, imprison me, for I
Except You enthral me, never shall be free,
Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

John Donne (1572-1631)

02:04 PM