April 21, 2005

A Nature Moment

I was outside walking my dogs today. It was one of those ultra-balmy April days. I wandered over to the pine tree in my front yard and noticed that it was budding or something. I didn't know pine trees did that. But there were these beautiful fresh green brushes on the tips of the branches. Across the street, a pair of doves were calling to each other, and one of them jumped off the telephone wire, thrashing his wings hard and floating high above the pole.

And I was sitting there, exhilarated by the thick wind and the beautiful green pine tree and the depth of the dove's flight, and I noticed that there was a wasp in the very pine tree I was touching. Ew. So I got my dogs and went inside forthwith.

There might be an application or deeper thought here, but really I think I'm just amused by how much I love nature --- but not all of nature. Because wasps suck.

April 19, 2005

Experiment Update

Day 11 of trying to act and interact like a confident girl. It's going...okay. It's really easy to forget to do it. Plus...once you have certain dynamics in place with people, it's kind of hard to change them. Once you're used to interacting with certain people certain ways, to change that is like completely rewriting the rules --- and entails changing how the other person sees you.

On Saturday, I gave a vocal performance for the first time: I sang at a Christian conference that was held at my church. Yikes. I was so nervous --- and I didn't hit every note. I was so mad about that. I had wanted it to go absolutely perfectly. So, anyway. I think I'm going to have to change my attitude about perfection and self-expression and allowing God to use self-expression to minister to other people.

That sounds like a lot to think about. Maybe I'll just drink some tea and watch a "Full House" rerun instead.

09:29 PM

April 08, 2005

One of Those Girls

All my life, I've wanted to be one of those girls who just seemed so centered and secure. They're pretty because they know they're pretty, and they're fun because they don't have to worry about themselves. I don't know what it is, really. It's so subtle. There's something about straight shoulders, a level chin, a quick step that tells the world that they like life, like people, and aren't preoccupied with whether or not anyone likes them or whether or not their life will be okay.

Anyway, I've decided to try an experiment. I'm going to see what happens if I act like one of those girls --- if I take on the quick smile and the firm voice and everything, maybe I'll have more direct interactions with my fellow human beings. And maybe my attitude will change, and I'll become one of those confident girls. Maybe.

I don't want to be fake. But I don't think I am. I think I'm actually showing people the real me, not the palatable, vanilla me.

I'm writing this post with the accompaniment of "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" by My Chemical Romance. Is that a bad sign?

01:50 PM

April 04, 2005


As you may or may not remember, I'm the mommy of two dogs now. I've had them for a couple months, and they're adjusting pretty well. But sometimes, Peaches, the older one, seems a little stressed out (which often sublimates to weeing in the house). One morning, she climbed next to me on the couch and sat down, and she just had that worried dog look. I can't really explain it --- she just looked worried.

All I knew to do as wrap my forearms around her little shoulders and say, "I love you."

There's this inverse connection I don't fully understand between worry and love. For some reason, when we're worried or fearful, an expression of love is the only thing that really penetrates to the heart of the worry.

I wonder if when I'm worried, God is moved with the impulse to hug me and say, "I love you."

11:04 PM