January 25, 2006

Loved

The name of this site is ďI Would Be Loved Fain,Ē nes pas? This whole blog, loosely, is an exploration of the ins and outs of my quest to feel lovedóloved by God despite the thousands of things that get in the way, and connected with people.

A new fear has arisen in this quest: What if itís completely futile?

Seriously. Sometime during college, I kind of back-burnered feeling loved by God, thinking that might come if I built love with people. And I think Iíve made some strides in loving people and being loved, but Iíve recently come to the shocking conclusion that people are people. As such, we donít love each other perfectly. I still feel lost sometimesóso very unattended to (which I realize is an entirely self-absorbed complaint).

So, frustrated with loving and being loved imperfectly in the human sector, do I now turn to God, whose love Iíve never understood, never managed to feel? And as Iíve mentioned before, feeling is everything. If you canít feel it, thereís no point. (And Iím not being sarcastic, either: I know the correct, ďChristianĒ answer is ďwalk by faith, not by sight,Ē but seriously, if I canít experience something, whatís the point of it existing?)

What do I do if I donít ever ďgetĒ love? At what point do I just give up on the whole love thing? And what kind of life do I lead after that? What would be the point of anything?

Iím taking this line of thought a bit too far, of course. Iím not sure what to do here, but I donít think giving up is the answer. I will say that something that makes me feel loved is music. I know itís crazy, but somehow the sweet, strong notes and phrases of good music seem to flow over my skin, loving me. And Iím not sure why I take it so personally. God knows Iím quick to dismiss the affections of others as misdirected, not really for meóeven if someone does direct their love toward me, I reason, itís not the real me they love, and they wouldnít if they really knew me.

Way back in college, my spiritual-adviser-type person pointed out that music might be a good personal worship tool for me, since it does move me so much. I donít think it would hurt to reinstate some ďmusicĒ time in prayer, though I by no means think thatís going to completely solve my problem.

Iím not sure what will solve the problem. This may just be yet another example of redemption being something real and deep and personalóand gradual. The problem is clearly me, and clearly I am in need of repair, in need of saving. And think that's about all that can be said.

January 11, 2006

A Coffeehouse post

I'm currently working off of my laptop battery, and it's about to run out. I just wanted to say that I am the worst combination of caffeinated and stressed. I'm just really not sure how I'm going to get everything done, which isn't such a fun place to be when I'm confused about like eight different things at once. And "This Year's Love" by David Gray is playing over the sound system, and I am numb.

Been so long since I was held
Really since I was his
Probably just need to be held
That's probably all it is.
---"Recoil," Ani DiFranco

06:37 PM