My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. Psalm 119:50
This may sound strange, but I think I'm addicted to suffering. For so many years, I have lived in dark pits and lonely valleys, many of my own making. It was in these dark places that I could hide. In them, also, is where the Comforter met me. Whenever sadness and depression loomed, the Father sent help - a peace that passes all understanding.
Like a junkie surviving from one fix to the next, I longed for those times when the Spirit would come to cover me in the shelter of His wing. Somehow, I came to believe that suffering was the only way to experience the Presence.
But there is more to life than suffering. There is joy. There is faith. There is hope. There is perfect love. The enemy wants us to believe death is our only destination, but the Father created us for life. Jesus died, so we could live and live abundantly.
Lord, I am learning so much about really living, but it is still confusing at times. I don't know what it is to find peace in the good times. My heart is conditioned for suffering. This makes no sense, yet it makes perfect sense. It is through suffering that we find life. Save me from my addiction, Lord Jesus.
5/17/05 - I shared these words with a friend this morning - okay, it was my therapist, and he challenged me to reconsider. Am I really addicted to suffering? Or is it simply what I have always known? Is it merely an oddly comfortable place for me because it is familiar? The truth is: I hate suffering. More than my own suffering, I hate to see others suffer, and I would subject myself to great pain so others won't. Am I taking too much upon myself? Of course - that seems to be the norm for me.
Lord, help me to only live through the pains that belong to me. What joy am I keeping from others by not allowing them to grow through suffering? What joy am I keeping from myself? Jesus, thank You for suffering in my place.